[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
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A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
what it’s like dating me:
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod