Finally, an explanation.
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Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit