Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
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Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
When you’re Kinky but poor
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?