Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
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4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then