My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
i choose….tongue