Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
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“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.