Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
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Nothing to do, you say?
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
i dont have time for this
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.