Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
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My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Boating season is upon us.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…