Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
You Might Also Like
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big