can we normalize arguing with little kids they鈥檙e so rude 馃槶
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When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
yall want some gasoline milk
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Good morning.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Me: I used to use baby oil so I鈥檇 fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don鈥檛 know where you belong. You鈥檙e very insane.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it鈥檚 the kids.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.