If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby