HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
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when someone rings the doorbell
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
How I like cutting carbs
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words