I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
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Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.