No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
You Might Also Like
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.