Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
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My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.