Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
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One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE