I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
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“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY: