It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
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I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”