What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
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One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
what does he know…
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.