my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My brain is a bad influence on me
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
can’t catch a break
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Erm I’m gonna say no
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”