My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
incredible text to wake up to
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.