If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
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[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.