Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
You Might Also Like
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
lmao
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you