LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
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Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I am also baked goods
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.