If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
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7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.