At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
You Might Also Like
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
🤣could you imagine
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right