8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
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My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today