Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
You Might Also Like
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo