You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
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I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?