Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
You Might Also Like
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.