It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
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Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men