asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
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your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.