Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
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Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Beware…..
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Time for evil
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Finally, an explanation.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier