Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
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I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Most fashion shows these days…
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
for all #parents out there
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.