7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
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So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Every photo I’m tagged in
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.