Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
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Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.