Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
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I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.