Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
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Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.