[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
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Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Donkey Kong sommelier
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
me and my fake scenarios
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow