dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
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today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
best first i’ve ever seen
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.