ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
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1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
“just sayin” who asked you though?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
You sure about that?
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.