Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
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Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.