If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
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When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
just pretend nothing happened