*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
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“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Holy crap this is wonderful
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
uncle dave has been through hell
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman