Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
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Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Basketball
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*