[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
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This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag