I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
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My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
twitter is a journey
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?