10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
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I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on