Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Just had my nails done!
twitter is a journey
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.