literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
You Might Also Like
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Comparing yourself to others
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.